How to catch a bastard

I see that scientists have decided that all blue eyed people have a common ancestor. Is there anything scientists can't do?

I think that this is patently bullshit.

How can it be that there is any possibility that I might be related to the fucking cretin that uses my Tabasco sauce without my express or implied permission?

And not only that, but as if to drive home this brazen disregard for personal property rights, this same retard doesn't screw the lid back on. For Christ's sake, Pope Leo said: "It is surely undeniable that, when a man engages in remunerative labor, the impelling reason and motive of his work is to obtain property, and thereafter to hold it as his very own, and this is expeshully applicable to a man's Tabasco". And I'm sure John Locke had something to say on the subject as well.

Anyone with the nous to steal Tabasco has to realise that if you don't screw the lid back on, it turns brown. And this will ruin the taste next time they steal some Tabasco sauce.

This displays either a profound lack of intelligence, or a deliberate expression of contempt. Even a goddamn parasite has more intelligence than to spoil the resources it takes from its host. If it is the latter, then of course this particular flatmate won't have any right to complain when they discover that the Tabasco has been adulterated with a very strong dose of Salvinorum A, a potent kappa opioid agonist substantially without flavour.

I have a very strong suspicion who it is. Very soon I will have the screaming, vomiting, insane, incontrovertible truth.

And another thing. Some bastard apparently has insufficient wrist strength to turn off the hot tap in the bathroom, after somehow managing to turn it on. This irritates the bejeesus out of me. I refuse to pay for the electricity to warm the fucking sewers under the house.

And judging by the subtle nocturnal noises emanating from certain quarters of this hellish habitat, that person has quite significant wrist strength indeed.

Other than these horrors, I have nothing to report. These degenerate dogfuckers I live with are all angels.