How to catch a bastard
I see that scientists have decided that all blue eyed people have a common ancestor. Is there anything scientists can't do?
I think that this is patently bullshit.
How can it be that there is any possibility that I might be related to the fucking cretin that uses my Tabasco sauce without my express or implied permission?
And not only that, but as if to drive home this brazen disregard for personal property rights, this same retard doesn't screw the lid back on. For Christ's sake, Pope Leo said: "It is surely undeniable that, when a man engages in remunerative labor, the impelling reason and motive of his work is to obtain property, and thereafter to hold it as his very own, and this is expeshully applicable to a man's Tabasco". And I'm sure John Locke had something to say on the subject as well.
Anyone with the nous to steal Tabasco has to realise that if you don't screw the lid back on, it turns brown. And this will ruin the taste next time they steal some Tabasco sauce.
This displays either a profound lack of intelligence, or a deliberate expression of contempt. Even a goddamn parasite has more intelligence than to spoil the resources it takes from its host. If it is the latter, then of course this particular flatmate won't have any right to complain when they discover that the Tabasco has been adulterated with a very strong dose of Salvinorum A, a potent kappa opioid agonist substantially without flavour.
I have a very strong suspicion who it is. Very soon I will have the screaming, vomiting, insane, incontrovertible truth.
And another thing. Some bastard apparently has insufficient wrist strength to turn off the hot tap in the bathroom, after somehow managing to turn it on. This irritates the bejeesus out of me. I refuse to pay for the electricity to warm the fucking sewers under the house.
And judging by the subtle nocturnal noises emanating from certain quarters of this hellish habitat, that person has quite significant wrist strength indeed.
Other than these horrors, I have nothing to report. These degenerate dogfuckers I live with are all angels.
I think that this is patently bullshit.
How can it be that there is any possibility that I might be related to the fucking cretin that uses my Tabasco sauce without my express or implied permission?
And not only that, but as if to drive home this brazen disregard for personal property rights, this same retard doesn't screw the lid back on. For Christ's sake, Pope Leo said: "It is surely undeniable that, when a man engages in remunerative labor, the impelling reason and motive of his work is to obtain property, and thereafter to hold it as his very own, and this is expeshully applicable to a man's Tabasco". And I'm sure John Locke had something to say on the subject as well.
Anyone with the nous to steal Tabasco has to realise that if you don't screw the lid back on, it turns brown. And this will ruin the taste next time they steal some Tabasco sauce.
This displays either a profound lack of intelligence, or a deliberate expression of contempt. Even a goddamn parasite has more intelligence than to spoil the resources it takes from its host. If it is the latter, then of course this particular flatmate won't have any right to complain when they discover that the Tabasco has been adulterated with a very strong dose of Salvinorum A, a potent kappa opioid agonist substantially without flavour.
I have a very strong suspicion who it is. Very soon I will have the screaming, vomiting, insane, incontrovertible truth.
And another thing. Some bastard apparently has insufficient wrist strength to turn off the hot tap in the bathroom, after somehow managing to turn it on. This irritates the bejeesus out of me. I refuse to pay for the electricity to warm the fucking sewers under the house.
And judging by the subtle nocturnal noises emanating from certain quarters of this hellish habitat, that person has quite significant wrist strength indeed.
Other than these horrors, I have nothing to report. These degenerate dogfuckers I live with are all angels.
posted at 23:44
18 Comments:
Well, at least it is the Tobasco they steal, it is better than the last glass of milk you were going to have in the morning - which means no breakfast that day.
Today I woke up to find the house empty but blood stains (big ones) on the bathroom sink.
Good to hear they are angels. I exchange one of them!
Whats the story guys? Just come across this site, brilliant. I moved in with a "good" mate about 5 months ago. Since we have moved in, he hasnt bought any and i mean any cleaning products (mops, brush, sponges, washing up liquid, floor cleaner, shower gel, he doesnt need toothpaste he doesnt brush his teeth d knacker) I have bought it all, iv asked him to buy stuff, he says yeah. Doesnt buy them, so I say right il get it in the shop on the way home you give me the money when i get in.. Always has a excuse about oweing money (He currently also owes me $316 get to that a lil later) so he doesnt pay. He never mops up, (once maybe) we have dogs so the floor has to be cleaned 3 times a week. He throws his plates and shit in the sink, thinks they will clean themselves. Eats my food, Then goes down to his ma and scabs money and food off her!! He got a loan out with a bank in town, not really a bank tho..they call around and collect money every sat.. kinda legalised loan sharks? He locks the door all day sat, he got me and visitors to answer it before to say hes not in! The rent was going out of my bank account (soon had to stop that, wonder why?) every week, so he would give me the money on friday.. so he said.. I had to stop it coming out of the bank account. Now the landlord calls down every 2 weeks for it. He has owed me money for rent for 4 months, every week he is "broke". Also i get a bit of smoke (pot) he owed me money for it so i didnt give him any, anymore. He now gets his girlfriend and friends to ask me for some until next week!! What a fucking asshole? I also payed the whole deposit when moving in. Help me get this fucker back, and any tips on dealing with it are welcome. Iv got a lil bit of revenge myself ;-)
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I live with the most sullen dirty sour evil French flatmate - she is disgusting and leaves crap on the toilet bowl, steals food, leaves her stuff all over the lounge and kitchen. She acts like an angry territorial cat and swears all the time - just odious. She lied about being clean and tidy - instead she takes over the entire flat with her belongings strewn everywhere - disgusting baloney left on the coffee table, her ear phones on a chopping board and never a please, a thank you or a kind word. She is an anti christ and I can't wait until she leaves. If she does nt by April I will get her thrown out. Studpid ugby foul mean spirited bitch who has no social life, never has sex and is so negative that she would turn a man gay just to avoid sharing the same room as her.
Nice post!
Brilliant blog! If you ever met my flatmate you'd have endless material to write about.
Jackepedia: one of my flatmates is very similar except she's Turkish. For the first couple of months I let things slide but not anymore. She's laughs like a farm animal and voice-chats constantly for hours at a time with that annoying laugh and loud voice. She goes til 1 am sometimes! She leaves her things everywhere, leaves her filthy food-caked dishes on the counters and leaves her filthy used pads in the bathroom and expects me to clean them when it's my turn to clean the bathroom. That is how our roomie relationship turned sour: when I refused to clean up her monthly waste, she didnt speak to me for 3 weeks. It was one of the best 3 weeks of my life since moving in here. She leaves water around the toilet and on the sink (how the hell do u manage that?) and leaves her shoes sitting everywhere and I trip over them quite a lot. My other roomie isn't quite as bad though she likes to watch tv loudly right outside my room almost 24/7.
Once I get some earplugs in a couple of days I think I can plow through the remaining 2 months until I'm outta here but I know one thing for sure: I will never EVER be sharing a room or a flat with any college students ever again. I would rather live alone and in peace.
Another thing. I didnt realize how much I disliked her until one day she began telling me how she takes a shower wearing shoes, something that caused her to fall over one day and (quite overdramatically) fear for her life. I realized my true feelings for her when I immediately felt like laughing. What an idiot she is..
Can you write a new entry!!!! Please! Your blog makes me laugh a lot, you should write a book!
Where are you?
Have you been arrested for attempted murder by poisoning the Tabasco?
can't wait for the next installment
TMB
Hiya
I love your blog, specially 'cuz I know how u feel!! I live with a guy whose name I don't even know, he's like part of a gang so there's always a bunch of people in his room playing loud hip hop and screaming. Moreover, they use my stuff, steal my food and never, EVER was the dishes. Tonite things gout out of hand when one of his friends came screaming and kickin at my door. Had to call the police, who didn't do much 'cuz as soon as they left, the gang started making fun of me and turned the music on again. I had never hated anyone before. Geez...
Where the hell have you gone?
If you're in trouble just write the word "stonehenge"
we will come to your rescue....somehow.
Sounds like your flatmates are just as great as mine. Let's see where to begin? So we'll call him the Australian. Well the australian and his little buddy of a roommate are so fucking annoying. They live above me, and the australian constantly stomps around his apartment. he stomps so hard and so much it has actually made my ceiling fan in my bedroom shake and parts of plaster have come down onto my bed. when he needs something done for him, like a ride, he always tries to suck up to me, which usually works, and then says oh by the way we are going ten miles out of town, or some place that is within walking distance (easily) and it's a nice day out. (today for example) not ONCE does he offer to pay for gas in cash (and being a college student i can't afford to not ask him) instead he says that he will buy a bottle of wine (hardly payment -- and seldom occurs) and then proceed to get pissy when i don't let him have any of the wine. his stupidity is probably the worst part of the whole situation. he barely makes any money going to work nights at a factory and what money he does make, he spends on fucking rum and cokes( or drugs) at a bar, a bar where no one really likes him and all have to put up with a sloppy drunk fuck.
i can't wait until he gets deported.
I always get quite a laugh from your posts. I've visited for years. Check out my blog if you want!
mdoncall.blogspot.com
Hey everyone,
It was comforting & reassuring to read that I'm not the only one suffering with a horrible flatmate to say the least & that I'm not over reacting to the situation.We have put up with her nonsense for 1 year & have now given her the walking ticket. She's just plain arrogant & an ungrateful & inconsiderate wretch. She would cook in the kitchen with the door left open & not bother to clean up properly.The garbage would be over flowing but she would turn a blind eye & infact top it up more with rotting perishables & left over food. Her food items in the fridge & cupboard would be left even past the expiry date & in a rotting condition so much that we do her the favour of throwing it out. To add to it she would talk & laugh loudly on the phone, play music loudly with her bedroom door opened & slam her bedroom & bathroom door when she walks in & out of them. To top it all she keeps her own bathroom & bedroom badly so much so that it looks filthy at a glance. Also she would not pitch in & buy stuff like dishwash liquid, kitchen towels etc. that were commonly used. She would use our dishes for cooking & pile them in the sink till its overflowing & the wooden cutting board bent out of shape.We have been polite with her all along & sometimes turned a blind eye to keep the peace but enough was enough. When we brought the dirty stove to her attention the other day she yelled back at us. This was the last straw, we have given her 30 days to find another place. She now sends us a mail saying that she is flabbergasted at the way we are making an issue out of "one noddle" & that we should learn some interpersonal skills, the cheeky bitch! Now since its her notice period she's started slamming doors on purpose just to irritate & provoke us. Plus she owes us money on utility bills & we are wondering how to get them from her without causing a ruckus as we are stressed out enough & just want her to leave quietly. I have been tempted to give her a mouthful before she leaves but my other flatemate said that he would handle it.Does anybody have any opinions in how to deal with this ungrateful creature & whether I should speak to her face to face before she leaves & let her know that she is totally in the wrong. Please help!
i love this blog! keep up good works...its to be nice if we can know each other, do you tink so?
You must get this whole blog published as a book.
I am sure this whole thing is a well written comic work of fiction.But it is such a great read.Fun read.
Has someone offered you a book deal on this so far? If not, YOu must try sending the manuscript yourself to publishers.
Ha!... great blog!
I laugh 'cause it's hilarious and extremely well-written and also because I too can relate.... and to answer all those critics out there who simply CANNOT BELIEVE you have had such a string of bad luck with your flatmates I can also testify to the fact that it does happen... I had the misfortune of enduring 3 exceptionally bad flatmates over 2 separate houses:
1. The ageing football star... whose bedroom had a revolving door and who liked to have a female flatmate (me) to blame the inexplainable bras/g-strings/lipstick marks etc. on when his 'girlfriend(s)' demanded to know from whence they came.
His most irritating habit (apart from the usual filth and generally inconsiderate behaviour) was to leave personal items lying around that made him look good (i.e. his substantial bank statements, old photos of him playing football, random well-thumbed travel books etc. all would miraculously appear lying, seemingly thoughtlessly, on the dining room table... even after the 3rd time I'd tidied them away!)
He also had this weird tendency to contradict himself on the strangest things - I.e. one time he told me he had lost his sense of smell completely a few years back... and then within the week had mentioned a smell coming from the fridge.........
2.Mr I-liked-them-before-they-were-famous.... who was 'anti-commercial' to the extreme... choosing to cut off his nose to spite his face rather than admit to liking anything deemed 'mainstream', 'commercial' or 'capitalistic' - almost every single item myself or our other housemate (both of us good old fashioned material girls) owned/read/watched/liked/mentioned were declared 'like... totally not my thing... dude...' - it drove me particularly insane as HE WAS A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT!!! Hardly the dope-smkoing, stick-it-to-the-man, hippy he fancied himself to be!
We got our revenge though by forking out for cable TV purely so we could have The Hills, Laguna Beach, Girls of The Playboy Mansion and various other mind-numbing reality TV shows on 24/7 to irritate him! Ha!
3. Miss Seemed-refreshingly-normal-just-long-enough-lull-us-into-a-false-sense-of-security.... and then declare it was OUR fault she had neglected to pay her first 3 months rent! She has an alphabet of further faults which I don't have time to list here but it was the pathological lying and borderline psychotic ADD that eventually got to me.
I mean... when has it ever been ok to greet a person to whom you have just been introduced by running up, grabbing the band of their underwear and pulling it up 'wedgie' style so far the underwear breaks? I don't care HOW drunk you are....
So yeah... I get it.
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